The Misinterpretation of Dreams

My fears of a lonely Christmas have come true in a way much worse than I could ever have imagined!!
In my attempt to dispel the loneliness of being single at Christmas time, I suggested that those of us in Ingwavuma should have a Christmas Eve party with cocktails, finger food, pretty clothes and gift exchange. The party was good, but it faded at around 23h00. All the happy couples started to leave. The singles were left behind. I left at around 23h30 and was followed home by two guys. One of whom was the previously mentioned fling/player (who seems to have gotten it into his head that we can be friends and should make the most of the few precious days we have left together before I leave Ingwavuma for good to go and work in Port Shepstone) and the other his closest male friend here in Ingwavuma. We were joined shortly by my closest female friend here in Ingwavuma. So the four of us sat waiting for midnight. Well, I told them that we had to wait for midnight, cos it’s a thing I’ve always done since I was a child. The four of us sat drinking tea and forgot about the time.

At a few seconds after midnight my phone rang and as soon as I saw who was calling I knew what time it was. It was my ex boyfriend of course, old habits die hard, we’ve been together every Christmas for the past 5 years.
So there I sat on my couch next to the guy I’m trying to be friends with after he’s fucked around with my head for the past few months, (the “fling” got much more complicated than I would care to admit, I’m back where I was as an insecure 20 year old, all the self sufficiency and confidence I felt after recovering from a difficult break up is almost gone!!) while talking to the ex boyfriend, who still loves me but can never be all that I want. And I felt so completely alone.

A little while later my friend left and then the player and his friend left. Mr Player hugged me before he left and held me for a little longer than necessary. But I’m afraid he’s seen in me the unattractive desperation for validation I have in my eyes when I feel insecure. If there’s one thing he’s excelled at in these past few months, it’s been his ability to make me feel insecure. He would tell me he doesn’t want to live without me, while planning to go away for a few days without letting me know he was going. Then in all the time he would be away he would not talk to me, not answer my calls or sms…

So here I sit at 2h00 on Thursday 25 December 2008, wishing I could be happy with being alone…

I recently discovered that one of my colleagues is an expert blog finder!!! How do you discover this about yourself? I know my blog is virtually unheard of and therefore impossible to find, so said colleague definitely deserves the title of expert blog finder to be able to find mine. Obviously finding it, she told others about it, and so now I have a few new readers. The thing is that now I find myself reexamining everything I’ve written recently, I can’t vent about annoying colleagues anymore!!
And also reevaluating the purpose of my blogging. I suppose if I’m recording stuff that I don’t want people to read, I shouldn’t make it public. So why do I blog?
Last year I remember not minding if the people I worked with should read my blog, but maybe this year it’s become much more personal.
The thing is that it’s kinda difficult to keep all my friends up to date with everything that’s happening in my life, so quite often in the last few months I’ve found myself saying: Read my blog!
But I think I blog more as an exercise of reflection and expression than to keep my friends up to date. I try to make sense of things and maybe occasionally get some objective feedback.

Nevertheless, I will be thinking more carefully about exactly what I write from now on, while still trying to be completely candid as always.

Here’s to new blog readers!!