The Misinterpretation of Dreams

The end of my dreaded community service year has come and gone, and I’m on a little bit of a break before starting my new job as a “Senior Medical Officer in the Anaesthetics Department of Port Shepstone Regional Hospital”!!! And I should be ecstatic, but somehow there’s this knot of tension in my left shoulder that won’t go away even after a massage. I know in my head that I should be exuberant- this is a job practically on the beach, just over an hour’s drive from Durban and in a field I’m so interested in I am seriously considering specialising; not to mention that there’s also a salary increase. So why am I not floating just a few inches above the ground, surrounded by a pink cloud of happiness?

1) I’m anxious about starting a new job in a new place. Professionally it means I still have to prove myself. Personally it means I have to be nice to people. I’m not the friendliest person, my first reaction is to not like people, everyone starts off in the negative with me unless they’re good looking enough! (LOL!)

2) 2008 was an almost perfect year for me. In fact it turned out to be the best year of my life so far. I feel I accomplished growth professionally and personally. I gained more confidence in my abilities as a doctor. I gained more confidence in my abilities as a human being and a woman. But then I allowed myself to be sucked into a stupid waste of time of a twirl with a man, which I knew from the start would not amount to much. But still it affected me more than I’m happy to admit.
I just don’t understand how I can be in control of my life one minute and then tumbling disorientated through a tangle of emotions the next, unable to tell myself how I should feel. How is it that a man can have so much influence over me? Even one who is far from the kind of man I’d want to grow to love? How do I come so easily to a point of giving more and more of myself, getting little in return?

At present my only consolation is from something a friend of mine tells me when I ask questions like this: If you could control all of your emotions you wouldn’t be human.
This still doesn’t stop me from wanting to be in complete control of my emotions. And right now I want to feel exuberant about the new beginnings afforded to me in 2009. 
I think I’ll wait a bit longer… maybe it will come soon, the year is still young…