The Misinterpretation of Dreams

I’m feeling very disconnected at present. I think a lot of it has to do with the new job, new place, etc. I don’t really feel like I’m a part of things yet. I feel like I don’t really know what I’m doing, especially in ICU- I’m fumbling in the dark. I feel like the dumbest student in the class, where everyone is discussing a subject on which they all have a vast amount of knowledge and understanding and I’m left on the outskirts of the discussion- I don’t understand enough. And there’s just SO much information coming at me from so many different angles, I don’t know how to handle all of it and process all of it and I’m sure I won’t be able to store all of it. My head’s in a state of disarray.
Then there’s no one at work I feel could be a potential kindred spirit. I don’t see myself connecting with any of my colleagues on a personal level. I’m often wrong, but I like to make quick judgements about things like this. The thing is that before I never felt the need to connect with other people. I never went searching for friends or social connections. Someone once said it was because I had everything I needed. I think sometimes I felt like I had TOO many friends, too many emotional attachments, no room for anymore.

But at present I am feeling very unattached. Yes, I do still have good friends, but they are all far away. Unfortunately I am feeling very disconnected from my best girlfriend too. I’m not sure if it has to do with her being married and me being single, but we just seem to have completely different thought processes of late, we used to agree on everything.

And yes, it does make a difference that I don’t have a boyfriend anymore. I think he was always a source of security for me. I knew that at the end of it all there was always someone who had my back. Someone to call to talk about ANYTHING at ANYTIME. Someone who would laugh at my racist jokes, but know that I wasn’t racist; someone who would listen to my stories about patients and know that my insensitivity was just a defense mechanism, etc, etc…

No I don’t want a new boyfriend just yet, I just want to have a conversation with someone who gets me!  I thought this was supposed to be a teenage phase??!!! But in all honesty, I think I probably had similar feelings, though less pronounced, at the beginning of 2008 on arriving in Ingwavuma. Maybe I just need to give Port Shepstone more time. Oh, and I think it will also help when I find my own place! I really need my own space!!!