The Misinterpretation of Dreams

On this solstice day I have decided to stop dreaming. With the taste of ARVs (anti retro virals) in my mouth and the nausea from ARVs in my stomach, the weight of pending exams on my shoulders and my huge sleep deficit clouding my thinking, I have decided to stop blogging. I think it’s time to close this chapter. It has been good while it lasted, but I think it has served its purpose.
Looking back I see that it hasn’t turned out like I thought it would. I think I envisioned it being a platform for me to voice my opinions about what was wrong and right in the world; instead, it turned into a platform for me to voice my moans and petty groans.
I need to start a new chapter. If today is my winter solstice, it means that from this point this year I am drawing closer to summer, unless I change hemispheres of course. So I think this is as good a time as any to start afresh. There are many things I want to leave behind, many things I want to start.

For this year I have already picked up a few good habits:
I run! Yes, the running where you pull on a pair of takkies and hit the road and see how far you can get without your lungs bursting out of your chest or before you keel over from hypoxia or lactic acidosis. I’ve even bought the “thingie gay” Nike plus running shoes that have space for a little sensor that transmits information to a receiver attached to your ipod that records your runs! Yes, I run. Furthest distance so far in one run is a measely 4,3km.

I try to study for at least 2hours per day. I have a diploma exam to pass soon. Two written exams in August and two practical exams in September.

And a few bad habits:
I enjoy a mini vanilla cigar with a glass of red wine. I’ve started smoking, I think it’s cool. I’m giving in to peer pressure a little later than the norm. But in my defence I don’t smoke that often. I bought two tin cans of mini cigars in march and have only smoked about 3 mini cigars since then! I’m a social cigar smoker.

I’m learning how to make alcoholic cocktails, they usually have some fruit in them, so it’s not all bad!

I think I’m going to hold onto my new habits for the year, good and bad. I’m going to get rid of old habits.

I want to stop dreaming so much. I want to try to live in the present, in reality.

I want to stop being the poor little girl whose father didn’t love her and who dreams of the possibility of happily ever after with any man who looks twice at her.

I want to stop analysing everything and trying to find a hidden meaning behind things, I want to take things as they are.

I want to stop apologising for the things I want, I want to be clear about what I want, ambiguity sucks balls.

I want to stop needing outside approval, I want my own approval to matter most to myself.

I want to prove to myself that I can do this on my own, completely. I don’t want a friend who’s going to turn me into Julia Roberts in “My Best Friend’s Wedding”.
I want to prove that I can do this on my own, without “good night” calls or “how was your day” smses.

I’m saying good bye to dreaming. Hello reality…